I sat down to write this post, but Peeka head butted me out of the way and started typing. Fine. I’ll drink coffee and look out the window instead. Thanks for the time off, Peeka!
Mama saided she wanted to write a post about hiking with me and Hawkie and Cinder and I whined “Please, Mama, let me write it.” So Mama saided yes because Mama is a pushover and I’m her favorite. I am also the goodest at hiking so I am an expert.
Hiking Dos and Don’ts for Dogs:
- Do listen to your mama and do everything she says. Don’t run away from her when she says “COME” for example.
- Do come back to your Mama after you run away from her when she yelled “come.” Run as fast as you can towards her and then slam your head into her knee, preferably from the side so you catch her on an angle and make her fall down, or at least make her bark and whine.
- If your Mama falls down while hiking, run to her as fast as you can. Get there quick, while she’s down on the ground, and stand on her hair. Now lick her eyeballs. Trust me, this is the goodest thing to do if your mama falls down. It tends to stop all the F bombs from coming out of her mouth.
- Don’t roll in bear poop when your Mama is watching. Wait until she is very busy taking photos of flowers and then do it quietly.
- Do all your poop and pee off the trail if you’re hiking on a trail. Hawkie goes kinda far off the trail, like halfway to Bloomville. Then he comes running back at like 50 hundred miles per hour and scares me and Cinder and barks at us and acts like a jackass (Mama’s word). Don’t do that unless you want to hear your mama yell knock it off, asshat, or something equally impolite.
- Don’t chase drunken porcupines up trees and then stand underneath them, barking. Sometimes they fall out of trees and boy are they ornery when they do. Don’t ask me how I know about this.
- Do stand under wobbly chipmunks when they run up trees. Sometimes they fall out of trees too. It is incredibly important to sniffer the difference between an airborne chipmunk and an airborne porcupine. If you hike with Cinder, though, you will never get the chance to do anything except sniffer the chipmunk because she will snatch it out of mid-air before you can even blink.
- Do lie down and rest when you get tired. Lie down and rest before you get tired too. Lie down and rest when your Mama takes photographs. Lie down and rest when your brother goes poop. Lie down and rest as often as possible.
- If you see any people, don’t bite them. Do bark at them and get them super upset, because then Hawkie will take over and bark at them more. Don’t bark at other hikers.
- If you meet other hikerdogs, don’t turn around and run the other way. Don’t hide under rocks. Don’t say Grrrrr or the F word. Don’t twist out of your collar and squirm around like a greased pig when your mama tries to hold you. Don’t ask me how I know about doing all these wrong things; I readed a book about it once.
- If you meet wildlifes, like baby deers, or porcupines, or coyotes, or bears, don’t bark at them or chase them. If they are lying down being quiet then you be quiet too. You can give baby animals tiny licks on their eyeballs if you want, but only super gently. Hawkie can show you how; he’s the goodest at that. He kissed a baby deer on its head once and Mama almost died from the cuteness. He also didded a tiny sniffer nose to nose with a porcupine once. Mama holded her breath so much she really did almost die.
- If your mama puts a leash around your neck, do stop walking and lie down. Don’t move. Turn all your muscles and bones into granite and become one with the earth. This will make your mama very happy and she will probably laugh and sing happy songs. Don’t ask me how I know this.
- Don’t eat too much plants. You’ll frow up.
- Don’t eat too much poop. Your mama might frow up if she smells your breath.
- Remember to run into your mama and bang your head into her as often as possible. Also, if you like to carry a stick when you hike, like Hawkie, make sure it’s a very big stick with pointy parts and smash the pointy parts into your mama as often as possible. You can do this by running up behind your mama, but also try other angles to get the bestest bruise pattern on her legs.
- Do drink water from every single puddle. The muckier the betterer for making your tummy happy on the drive home. You can combine this tip with #8 and lie down in every puddle while you drink. But don’t do mud snorkeling. That’s Cinder’s sport and she is the goodest and you just can’t compete. Trust me.
- If you bring a toy or a ball into the woods with you, don’t leave it there. The porcupines don’t like to play with dog toys. They think toys are dumb. And your mama will yell at you “FIND IT” like 50 hundred times and then she will grumble about how much money she spended at Chewy’s to buy you toys that you lose.
- If your mama points her camera at you, do stick your tongue out as far as possible.
That’s pretty much it. If you follow all my suggestions you can be the goodest hikerdog too. You mama will probably call my mama to thank her for all these wonderful ideas. Gotta go; it’s time for me to go strolling around in the woods!